cliques or lack of
Sunday, September 05, 2004
NOTE : what is written here is my thoughts and my way of releasing stress, it is not directed at anyone and is not intended to offend anione, just let me whine about my life online since i try not to do so in real life!!!!!!!!
alrite here i am on this sunday morning its 1230 am going to get some things off my chest that has been bugging me. As u noe, once u enter sec skool people tend to click together to form their own groups, usually people of the same sex, interest....something common that binds them together. For me i sort of never had one, only a few good friends..blame it on my character perhaps i was too quiet and made little effort to socialise with my other classmates, I dunno why but at that time i couldnt be bothered about such stuff.. studies was my priority and i managed to excel in my lower sec school days.. i could be considered a geek back then..
things in upper sec were slightly diff..first time playing lan, go bowling..yeah i noe...i dun go out very often still..still more concerned with playing video games.. and the comp than hanging out.. this continued all the way to sec 4.. yeah throughout these 2 years i think i only watched less than 12 movies...and hardly hung out...
u noe if i could turn back the clock, i would make the effort to fit into a clique in sec school and start hanging out.... perhaps my life would be more diffirent.... One thing though it didnt bother me that i didnt have one in my sec school as classmates were in a way friendly and u could speak ur mind...maybe there was politics but very unnoticable...
Now since i started jc... i have undergone some changes..dunno whether good or bad.... i prefer to hang out these days rather than stay at home, the first 3 months was a utopia of fun.....literally fun , you can ask anione who was in the first 3months and they most likely tell u it was the best time of jc life...
why am i whining so much? well cos i have the right to do so...everytime i c pple whining especally after finishing a test and they will go Oh no i'm gonna soooooo faillllllll, sure fail lah, kena sai ..etc etc.....seriously i'm not against pple whining.......but somehow i just find it super annoying......i just keep the feeling to myself.........this in turn leads to an emotional turmoil for me as i struggle to contain all my thoughts
i have a theory that pple whine simply cos they want to be heard..well yeah they sure got that aim alrite....u noe what i wonder what happened if i was a girl
would i whine even more..bitch around like what girls do whenever they are angry, go shopping with gal pals, somehow i feel that girls are emotionally stronger......yes perhaps this is true..................ah whatever i dunno why am i typing this
the point is..up to now i dun really fit in my class...its kind of ironic....the pple i hang out with are not the pple i spend the most time with. old buddies are the best to be with cos u can tok about anithing and everything under the sun, cca mates are fun to be with cos u enjoy common experiences.....classmates. u're supposed to spend the rest of your time with them as you travel through the tortorous journey of jc..however...........it seems i am rather detached from the class
pple perceive me as a loner perhaps.....one who doesnt talk much...... well there is a reason for all of this.....the truth is i want to hang out more often with my classmates and not go home and mug 24/7...... if only some pple would understand what i am going through...u are not me so i dun blame u if u dun understand what i am going through.
I think i should neva have started reading blogs that way i will be oblivious to all the stuff that is going on...everywhere u go there are things that go unnoticed what pple say may have another meaning( it was only this year then i knew about the existence of blogs)
Another thing is that i have become very lazy and slack.....i find it so hard to sit down and just study there are just so many thoughts in my muddled head...I THINK TOO MUCH LAR, i only think about having fun these days with hardly any regards for my studies.......
the truth is i dun really care what happens to my studies....somewhere in my heart there is a part of me that is telling me to just give up and forget about studying in jc..go over to poly.......BUT how will i noe whether things will be better there.....so i have NO %^78ing choice but to continue in this path called JACKASS COLLEGE
all i think about is why i cant fit into a clique................it bothers me so much......even though i try and flush these thoughts out of my head...everytime i'm in town and see groups of pple in their cliques..somewhere in my heart there is resentment and jealousy...... sure there are times when u have to be alone...i acknowledge that. maybe its just me........me and my muddled thoughts pondering on why my life is so like taht
I hate to admit it but i dunno why i suddenly become obssessed with looking for that special someone and start a realationship ......I dun have a clue in this department, and with my average looks and not so outgoing character......me wonders whether i will ever find one......
but thats not so important
there are afew pple who appreciate me for what i am. TO them i say a big thank you... youre support has helped me through many difficult times.....times when i feel shit, some of you say be yourself
this "phrase be yourself" hit me.....its really hard to be who you really hard sometimes...sometimes u change yourself just to fit into a group of pple..........does that mean i must change my character and my beliefs just so i can fit in????????? in any class there are bound to be cliques and those that struggle to fit in...well i can say that i am in the latter.... dun really belong to anione.dunno how much longer i can bare with this
u noe what i think everyone is afraid of being lonely...the feeling sucks ...all rite.....i noe for sure..... when i grow up will i be able to stay in touch with my friends.....u see so many adults seeking treatment for depression,why cos as u grow older THE WORLD BECOMES POLITICISED ESPECIALLY AT WORK. WHy do u think the elderly feel so lonely.. cos u dun c them hanging out like we teenagers love to do
In short..........i am who iam. i cant and will not change my character........I'll try to remain nice to evveryone regardless of what they did to me before........ I'll try to let go of all the unhappy stuff
and i think i should pray more often and go back to church
thats all that i can whine about for now....yeah whine alrite its soooooooFUNN ( pun intended)
1:29:00 AM
